Drats!
It snowed yesterday. It snowed and it made me think of Christmas. Well, first it made me regret boasting to all of our southern-born friends that the weatherman was full of it and was just trying to scare them by talking about snow this early. Then it made me think about Christmas.

Of course I can’t do anything normal in life. I have to do it and do it bigger and louder and better than anyone else ever has. Parties aren’t small gatherings in my family – they’re feasts accompanied by weeks worth of alcohol. My sister’s wedding was bigger than a small African nation and my mother has taught me that if it’s on sale and you really like it, it doesn’t hurt to buy two, which leaves me with a shoe collection that rivals Imelda Marcos'. This horrible propensity for overstatement has earned our family the reputation of “Kings and Queens of Overkill.” But I digress.

Last year I couldn’t just send out Christmas cards. Instead, we sent out Christmas CDs. Following in tradition, I have just about every Christmas CD ever made, so I figured that since cards can seem so impersonal and boring, I would have to take it a step further and make a Christmas CD, which required hours of compilation and editing, a mock photo shoot with the three of us and weeks worth of burning and peeling and pasting labels onto unmarked CDs. Now just how in the hell am I going to top that? A fruit basket? A Christmas ornament? A Christmas multimedia presentation on DVD, equipped with video of our personal ‘happy holidays’ wishes? I’m screwed.

posted by paula 6:41 AM

Shows I think Food TV should consider adding to their fall lineup:

1. Fireproofing your Kitchen
2. You and your Grocer's Freezer
3. The Thirsty Traveler Visits Home Breweries
4. Your Food Processor: OUTSIDE the Kitchen.
5. Tofu Mysteries Explained
6. Emeril Live Goes on a Diet
7. Baking for Dummies
8. The Naked Chef: Cooking in the Buff
9. From Martha's Kitchen: State Penn Delicacies
10. Sara's Secrets: That Dip is Actually from Sam's Club.
11. Iron Chef cooks with Man's Best Friend.

posted by paula 7:48 AM

If you haven't already, check out Norah Jones' new album, "Come Away with Me" and her newest single "Don't Know Why." I can't say enough good things about it. I guess "Don't Know Why" is what happens when a little jazz, folk and pop all meet.
And kudos to Norah for offering her singles to the general public via Real Audio and mp3 without fussing over the licensing of her music.

posted by paula 12:27 PM

Last night, while flipping channels I came across the Oxygen Network – in my opinion, a Lifetime knockoff with programming for women. I don’t usually watch the stuff, but what caught my eye was the “Sunday Night Sex Show” logo in the background of the set. There sat this little old lady that looks like a cross between Dr. Ruth and the older nun that was my 5th grade teacher, handing out advice about sex and your love life. Has anyone seen this??

At first I thought it was just a talk show, with a wrinkled little woman thinking that she could spice up a few lives in the bedroom. She sits casually in a background of the aforementioned logo and her assorted colored toys, which stand tall and proud on the desk behind her. She talks casually, flinging around terms like lubricant, g-spot and cock ring as if they were ingredients some dish that she was making for a cooking show. Sure it’s startling at first considering that most of the nation prefers not to hear about our elder’s sex lives, but this woman really knows her stuff. It was when she started giving advice about lubricants to a young man and spewing out her concerns with flavored ones being high in sugar content, which may upset the natural pH balance of a woman’s nether regions, thereby causing a yeast infection that she won me over. Toys, logistics, positions, age differences...this woman can answer it all. And she has a weekly review of the new toys on the market and rates them on her own personal scale.

My only concern: it could simply be coincidental that most of the callers were from Canada or the show is only open to Canadian residents. Either it was a fluke or Canada really needs some help in the bedroom.

posted by paula 10:41 AM

Emeril, maybe. But Betty Crocker I am not.

Today was a feast full of baking disasters. I thought I might be rather Betty Crockerish and home bake some chocolate chip cookies rather than buying the little tube from Pillsbury at the grocery store and plopping them on the cookie sheet.

I am not an expert chef by any means, but we here try to give the illusion that we are. I subscribe to a few cooking magazines and most of the ‘regular’ cooking is full of successes that a few of our friends and family have raved about. Ryan is what I would consider a master griller and I am no longer intimidated by even the most complex of Bon Appétit recipes, although our schedules accommodate something a little easier during the week. But baking – baking is another story.

My batter was excellent. It’s a recipe from Martha Stewart’s cookie supplement last year that has enough butter to choke a horse. My problem is that the cookies were flat. The directions said they would be flat, but these...these were abnormally flat. Not flat as in, ‘they-should-be-thicker-but-taste-just-fine, flat’. They were flat as in ‘too-flat-to even-cook-evenly-leaving-a-chocolatey-mess-to-scrape-off-of-the-pan flat’.

Baking requires a science that most of the time, I’m not willing to study. Sifting and mixing (with different attachments, no less) and temperatures of ingredients are all a complicated mess that I would rather just leave up to the experts at Byerly's and Lunds.

I also have to mention that half way through my baking extravaganza today, I was switching the cookies from the lower to upper rack when the cookie sheet bumped the upper rack, causing me to drop it, sending a gooey mess all over the bottom of the oven and the oven door. The chocolate started to burn immediately. This was after I fumbled the already open bag of chocolate chips, sending them spraying all over the kitchen floor. Friday stood guard for the remainder of my time in the kitchen, just hoping another accident like that would happen.

So for now, my baking-esteem is crushed. I’m temporarily hanging up my flour-sack apron and trading it in for another that’s meant for main entrees. For now I’ll have to perfect my skills at roasting, searing, frying and broiling. Unfortunately, I still have enough bags of flour and sugar to dam up the banks of Hudson, WI should the St. Croix ever flood.

posted by paula 9:44 PM